Prayer
by xblondecutieo23
Summary: Brucas oneshot. After Lucas' HCM becomes fatal, Brooke's downfall begins. Only memories of the past, and grief of the present could do this.


**Authors Notes: **The song Prayer is from Lizzie West. Poem by Mary Frye. I did have some inspiration in writing this. Thanks to the Brucas girls and a few songs. I highly suggest listening to Iris by Goo Goo Dolls and There You'll Be by Faith Hill. Thank you very much to Tiffany and Ellie for beta-ing this for me! Flashbacks in italics.

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing of One Tree Hill, the following writers, or the quoted information about HCM. All thanks to brilliant writers, and info of About.

**Prayer**

_Do not stand at my grave and weep, _

_I am not there, I do not sleep_

_Do not stand at my grave and cry_

_I am not there, I do not die._

**-Mary Frye**

"Our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thought."

**_-_Percy Bysshe Shelley**

"There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief."

-**Aeschylus**

"_I love you, too, pretty girl."_

Thin and wet it slowly slid from the inner edge of her eye to the bottom of her cheek. A few more followed before they began to drop from her soft, perfectly made up face to the one in front of her. Only it wasn't prefect, nor would it ever be again.

No amount of makeup could hide the pain behind her eyes, or the missing life behind his.

Whether he was dressed in the best suit money could buy, or in his normal gray Scott hoodie, it wouldn't change. Lucas Scott would never be alive again. He would no longer remain in the world, only in her heart.

There was a time in Brooke Davis' life, where she believed that things always worked out and that anything could be fixed back to perfection.

Perhaps thoughts of the coming future forced her to do the unthinkable. Perhaps it was because she thought they would have all the time in the world.

All she could wish for now was to take everything back, and to have her one true love holding her again.

She assumed the two of them would have forever to make things right, but they didn't. She couldn't help but blame herself. If she had known he was going to leave her, she could have told him how much he meant to her. She wished and prayed that she could fix her mistake; she wished she had never said those words to him.

She wanted to take it all back. She wished she had never told him that they couldn't be together. At the time, she knew she had to do it. She was only trying to save both of them by ending it early.

Ironically, death had parted them before, and it was parting them now. She'd like to think it wasn't that day that changed everything, but she knew that it was. To be honest, there were the millions of those little things from the moment they got together. She knew that her insecurities over Lucas and Peyton could destroy their love, and in a way it did.

She'd like to point out to every person in the world that it wasn't her fault, she was only protecting herself. That's exactly what she had told the shrink.

She could remember back to the day, sitting in that plain office, when she defended their love. She told the counselor, which most people at Tree Hill High were forced to visit, that Lucas and she had no problems and would last forever.

But, on some subconscious level, she knew they were slowly growing a part. It all pointed to the second when Lucas found out that Keith had died, and the second Lucas saved Peyton but failed to save Brooke. She grew to understand that Lucas never realized she needed saving.

Peyton's pain was shown completely on the surface. Her music, her art, her moods, everything showed when Peyton had pain.

However, Brooke kept it in. Yes, she would yell at some dumb cheerleader missing a move, but she never showed her pain deep down in her heart; at least not to anyone else.

And for this reason, Lucas never knew exactly what Brooke needed. She needed to be needed. She needed the emotional part of their relationship to be a two way street.

She had finally opened up to Lucas, and given him her heart, but she needed to have his in return. After Keith died, he slowly became more and more closed.

It was the final dance. She hadn't known at the time that it would be their last. Nathan and Haley had had one of the best days of their lives, but for Brooke it was one of the worst days.

She had completely cut all ties with her best friend, she had slowly begun breaking up with Lucas, and Nathan had almost been killed, but luckily managed to survive.

His uncle didn't have the same outcome. Once again, she was attending a funeral. A few short weeks later, after taking time to think things through, she decided what needed to be done in her relationship with Lucas.

-------

_Tears were slowly escaping her eyes as she ran her hand along his covers. He would be home any minute, and she would have to give up the one thing that meant the most to her. It had been only weeks earlier that Brooke and Lucas had made a promise to each other._

_He promised to rescue her if she rescued him back. She had to keep telling herself that this is what she was doing; she was saving their futures and saving their lives. _

_Maybe all they really needed was time to grow. Never again did she want to be at the point of hating Lucas. She had done it a year before, and she never wanted it again. This way, she would continue to love him forever._

"_Brooke."_

_She did not turn around, nor did she speak. He could tell something was wrong, by the soft whimpers escaping her lips. The way she would not take her eyes of their picture on his nightstand let him know that it wasn't something that he wanted to hear._

"_Brooke?" This time he asked with complete uncertainty. He had feared this outcome ever since the day that Brooke found out about the kiss in the library._

"_I wasn't there."_

_He couldn't tell where it was she was mentioning. So many things were running through his head. Her voice was soft and emotionless, two things that were not Brooke Davis._

"_Where?" He asked softly, as he walked around his bed towards her._

"_The school. That day. I wasn't there. I didn't stay and take care of anyone. Is this my punishment?"_

_He immediately dropped to the ground, taking her hands into his. He knew what was coming, because he had grown to know Brooke quite well. He would let her arrange every plan they would ever make, he would let her choose what he wore to every benefit. He would even let her do almost everything she wanted, but he would not let her blame herself for his mistakes._

"_Broo-"_

"_Is it because I left? Because I let Whitey put me on that bus? Because I didn't run in there and follow you?" She seemed to pause for a second, as if to take a breath and collect her thoughts, but Lucas knew she wasn't done._

"_I tried Lucas. I wanted to follow you in there so much. For you, and for Peyton, and Haley and Nathan. I love you so much Lucas, do you know what it was like to watch you go in that building?" _

_No words came out, because he wouldn't allow them. He might only cause further damage._

"_It was like a knife sticking straight into my heart. Watching you go in, while sitting on that bus, was killing me Lucas. I didn't choose to leave." She knew she didn't want to defend herself right now that was not the point of the conversation, but it just came out._

"_But still." She took in a deep breath, and released herself from his grip before standing up. "Is this my punishment? I didn't try hard enough, so now I will always be distanced from the rest of you?"_

"_No, Brooke. You aren't!" He didn't want his words to come out as if he was yelling at her, but he needed to fix this and reason with her while he still had the chance._

"_I am, Luke. I have been ever since that day when you were all left inside, and I wasn't. I know it was hard for you all, being in that school, but it was just as hard for me, Luke. Sitting there waiting for the news of who lived or died? Waiting to know if the two people I loved most were still alive, or if they had moved on without me? _

_You all have this connection. Being there in the school brought you all closer. Nathan and Haley, even Rachel and Mouth! And then…you and Peyton."_

_He began shouting protests and objections; trying to let her know that it didn't change their relationship. He was trying to prove to her that he would never make his past mistakes again._

"_Whether you want to admit it or not, it brought you both closer. Maybe I was just the person you needed to be with, until you and Pey found your way back to each other."_

"_Brooke, no!" _

_She wasn't hearing him, and she didn't understand him when he told her she was wrong._

"_Even if that isn't true, nothing is the same anymore, Luke. Nothing will ever be the same anymore, and I can't change that." _

_She was no longer fighting tears, no longer trying to hide them or wipe them away. They were coming on full force, as was the demise of their relationship._

"_Lucas," She started by using his full name, in what seemed like a very forced tone. "I don't think we can fix this, at least not yet. Maybe we just need time." She quickly wiped a few tears, knowing she needed to put up her strong front. _

"_But something isn't working. Every day I feel like we are getting further and further apart. I mean, why won't you talk to me? After the wedding, you told me things were going to change. You would talk to me, and let me in, and let me be a part of everything. But nothing's changed, Lucas. At the least, we just need time."_

"_Broo-" He once again, stated, trying to reason with her, or to change her mind. He was quickly silenced with a kiss. Soft and sweet, quick and careless, she gave him what would be their last real kiss. _

-------

Thinking back to the day, she knew she would have never known that if she had known he was leaving the world. She would have held him close to her every second of every day that she possibly could. He had fought for her, every day, ever since then.

He never moved on, he never gave up on her. Countless tries of bringing it up when they were in the whole group, confronting her at her locker to try to knock some sense into her, and even stopping by her apartment.

Sometimes it would just be to talk as the friends they always had been, or to try to talk to her in getting back together.

It was just never time. She wished she could take it back.

Once again, he hadn't let her in. He didn't tell her of the HCM or the struggles he had been having with it lately.

She wasn't the one he went to when he needed to confide in someone. He would never know the pain it caused her to know that she was not that person for him, even though he was that person for her.

She had come to learn that almost every person had known of the HCM, but not her. Nathan, Haley, Karen, Whitey, even Peyton, but apparently she didn't fall into the important category. HCM was another one out to get their relationship.

Hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. Just the sound of it made her want to vomit. She wasn't even sure if she fully understood, because everyone had been so distraught when the explanations were given.

From what she did understand, it was a disease in which muscular walls in the heart thickened.

She was told it could cause four cardiac problems. The first problem was one that means shortness of breath, the second caused problems with the heat beating, and the muscular walls. The third problem caused heart failure, due to the muscular walls thickening. And the final cardiac problem was sudden death.

Apparently, the fourth was the problem that Lucas had suffered from. A short time earlier, Lucas had removed himself from basketball. The pressure was taken off from him, causing his heart to get back to where it should be.

But then came that day. That one day that changed everything. There was no reason for it, because there didn't need to be. HCM caused sudden death. No warning, no bright red like, nothing.

"_The sudden death in HCM is usually due to ventricular tachycardia or ventricular fibrillation. While many of these sudden deaths occur during vigorous exertion, it can also occur during minimal exertion or at rest, with no warning whatsoever. _

_The risk of sudden death has been estimated being as high as 5 per year in patients in their teens and 20s, though it drops off somewhat after that."_

She remembered reading that from the page the doctors had suggested. She wanted reasonable justification for his death, and that was shown to her.

"_HCM is a form of heart muscle disease in which the muscular walls of the ventricles become abnormally thickened."_

Once again, vomit began to arise. Lucas had told her bits of it last year, when Dan was dealing with it, but she had never fully understood it. He told her she didn't need to, that he was fine.

The irony hurt her like a thousand knives in her chest. Essentially, everything that was caving in was due to Lucas' heart, physically and emotionally.

She wished every second that he was still there, so she could yell at him for everything he was doing to her.

Would he ever know exactly how much pain that day had caused her? Maybe it didn't affect her father-to-be, or her husband, or her uncle, but it affected every single relationship with the people she cared the most about.

Thus, arrives Peyton. She, single handedly, almost did as much harm to their relationship as _that _day did. There was a part of Brooke, deep down, that thought Peyton was genuine when she apologized.

It told her that Peyton didn't intentionally try to hurt Brooke, or her relationship with Lucas, she just couldn't help who she loved.

Brooke understood that part. She couldn't help falling anymore in love with Lucas than Peyton had. What Brooke couldn't understand, was why Peyton had hurt her, and their relationship, twice. It took everything in Brooke to return to their friendship and give Peyton another chance. She blew it once again.

Peyton might not have intentionally broken them up, but in a way she had. The kiss between Lucas and Peyton changed everything. Brooke didn't feel betrayed, she didn't feel cheated, she felt alone.

Everyone was moving on to a different place without her. A place Brooke wasn't invited to because she wouldn't understand. She couldn't, she hadn't been there in the school.

The first time Lucas had been with Peyton, Brooke hit rock bottom. Her friends, her security, her love, and her world all came crashing down. She was depressed more than any 16 year old girl should handle. The one time she had let her guard down, and change her ways, she had her heart ripped from her.

Different drink, different guy, every night. After hitting rock bottom, she slowly recovered. She got back to the point where she trusted both of them, and let them back again.

However, the pain and the fear would never leave its hollow space inside her. It was the fear of going back to that place, and losing Lucas, that kept her up at night.

There would always be a bond between the people in that school, and Brooke wasn't a part of it. His growing friendship with Peyton, and her growing insecurity of another betrayal threw everything away.

As people began going to Lucas, Peyton looked at Brooke from afar. It was as if they were reading each others minds, as they usually had been able to do in the past.

Peyton slowly approached Brooke. Both girls knew they needed each other, because they had both lost something dear to them. Would they fully recover? Brooke would never know.

Peyton didn't have to say the words aloud, Brooke knew them already. She shook her head a small bit, sadly. "Just…not yet."

It was good enough for Peyton. It meant, one day, they would have a chance at regaining their friendship. Now both were on their way to say their goodbyes.

-------

For a while after the funeral, Brooke had become almost completely lifeless. Nathan and Haley asked her to leave her apartment and stay with them while she needed time, but she was hesitant. She didn't want to be in the way of getting ready for the new baby.

She had finally made it to Karen's Café, almost a month later, but couldn't walk in. Not that it would have mattered, the place was barely open anymore. Occasionally, Karen would stop in for a place to sit, but she was rarely ever open for business.

She hadn't dared go by the Roe-Scott house. She wasn't sure if she would ever be able to go near the house, the river court, or any other sacred place again.

She was healing, but she hadn't moved on. She was slowly gaining the friendship back with Peyton, but it was nowhere near how it bad been in the past.

She had not been with another boy since Lucas. She couldn't, and wouldn't, move on yet. She wouldn't do so, until the day that Lucas' and her love faded away.

Every single day, Brooke stopped by the graveyard. To some, it might sound like some sappy love movie, but to her, it was bliss. It was a chance to sit with her thoughts, hoping for some presence from Lucas.

She sat down, telling him of how things were going with his family and friends, and with her. She told him she hoped he was happy wherever he was, and concluded with a red rose placed on his gravestone, and a single _"I love you"_.

To say Brooke wasn't grateful to Lucas would be a lie. Yes, he had done a lot to hurt her, even sometimes unknowingly, but he had done a lot to save her, too.

When Brooke had met Lucas, she was a train wreck. She was headed for a life she knew she didn't want. She was becoming a person she had never wanted to be. But he saved her, even if he never knew it.

Brooke felt more love with him than she had ever felt with a single person in her entire existence. He taught this to her. He taught her _how_ to love.

Brooke Davis was never a girl to live with regrets. When she went for something, she never held back, and never thought of the repercussions. That completely changed when Lucas came along. She found herself loving life, and loving love.

She strived to be a better person for him, as did he for her. They easily brought out the best personalities, and the worst insecurities, in each other.

-------

When Brooke looked back on their love together, she would never regret a single second of it. She would never think of the bad times, only heal them with memories of the good.

She would live her life with all the love and knowledge she had gained from him. She was learning from all the mistakes that had occurred during their relationship.

Of course it wasn't perfect, it never would be. But Brooke knew that she did love Lucas, and that wouldn't change. Everyone had their own way of dealing with things, and hers was independence.

Lucas was most proud of Brooke when she became the independent Brooke, and she knew he would be proud of her now. She was finally able to socialize with all of her friends, fully get back on her feet, get ready for college, and start the rest of her life.

Karen and Brooke were finally able to talk, and eventually agreed that Brooke would move in with her until she left for college.

She wouldn't dwell on the past, but she wouldn't forget it either. It would never be forgotten. For every day she was there, another red rose would be placed with him.

-------


End file.
